In today's world, one of the biggest challenges confronting
parents is how to maintain and preserve the authority of
parents, teachers and Rabbonim in the eyes of the children.
Some educators blame the more liberal, democratic atmosphere
of today, which has led to more permissive parenting. Others
maintain that many children who have gone off the path
actually come from homes where discipline was strictly
enforced, and there was too great a contrast between the
internal home environment and the wider society to which the
children were exposed. Still others maintain that all the
debate about parenting styles and proliferation of parenting
classes, articles etc. has exacerbated the problem by
creating an image of helpless, desperate parents who don't
have their act together.
There are no easy answers. However, it seems to me that there
are three key areas that should be strengthened in our homes
and schools as much as possible: Hakoras Hatov
(gratitude), Shemiras Haloshon (guarding one's speech)
and Judging Favorably. The authority of parents and teachers
will grow naturally from these good practices.
Model Gratitude Towards Authority Figures
Children internalize their parents' attitudes toward
authority figures, and generalize from one authority figure
to another. Some parents complain at great length about their
different dealings with authority figures and assume that if
they don't mention the person's name, it is not loshon
hora, so it's OK.
If a mother sits with her friends in the park and complains
bitterly about how terrible some of the teachers are, how
incompetent, how unfair etc., while her children are playing
nearby, and then the father comes home and complains how a
policeman stopped him unfairly for some trivial traffic
violation, and opens the paper and spends a while "venting"
about how terrible the government offcials are, it affects
how the children view authority figures in their own
lives.
The next day, Sara, who overheard her parents, may say that
the homework is stupid, the test was unfair, the teacher
isn't good. In the evening, when the parents ask her to do
something, she may argue that she doesn't want to; she knows
better. "Why are you always telling me what to do?"
It is extremely difficult always to be positive about
authority figures, but the more we can increase the ratio of
positive to negative statements, at least in front of the
children, the better off we and our children will be. Try to
create an atmosphere in which authority figures are seen as
trying to help us, benefitting us, and caring about us, even
if they aren't perfect. Years later, when your children are
teenagers and turn the magnifying glass on you, they will see
you the same way.
Certainly, the children should feel that they attend good
schools and that we accept and support the rules and
regulations of the school even if we wouldn't have
necessarily decided the same way on every issue if we were in
charge of the school.
Gratitude should even be expressed towards schoolbooks. One
of my children needed to work with a tutor on reading. For a
while, she worked in a certain workbook. At a certain point,
we decided to switch her to a different workbook that
happened to be much more colorful and esthetically pleasing.
The tutor told me that she would tell my daughter that the
old book doesn't look nice and is boring, and here's a much
better one.
I asked her to refrain from saying anything disparaging about
the first book. First of all, I thought we should express
gratitude that she progressed up to a certain point with the
first one. Also, I didn't want to train my daughter to look
negatively and critically at her schoolbooks, passing
judgment on them, complaining about their shortcomings. What
happens if the next book they give her is black-and-white and
`boring'?
Guarding One's Speech
As parents, we often hear reports from our children about the
parenting practices in their friends' houses. Sometimes
parents feel they must defend their own different practices
by criticizing the other parents. Not only can this lead to
loshon horo, but it usually actually reduces the
children's respect for authority in general. Children
actually need to hear the bottom line again and again in
their house: They can decide what to do because
they are the parents; in this house, we are the
parents, so we decide what to do, in accordance with our
hashkofo and in consultation with rabbonim.
Let us say that in the Cohen house they do X and in your
house they do Y. If you get into a big argument with your
children about why Y is better than X, and make it clear that
you think that the Cohens are wrong on this issue and they
should do Y, you are not only undermining the authority of
the Cohens, but you are undermining the authority of ALL
parents, including yourselves. If you do this many times a
day, you may win the battles, but you will lose the war.
Your children may agree in the end that Y is better than X,
but the next time, they will have the attitude that parents
can only decide what should be done in their house if they
can prove it is better than the alternatives. When they get
older, these children will definitely have different
subjective opinions on many issues, and if they feel that
parental decisions must be based entirely on logic, your
authority as a parent will mean very little.
Instead, when these situations come up, you can say something
like the following: "The Cohens are the parents in their
house, so they have a right to decide to do X, but in our
house, we are the parents, and we decided to do Y. And I'll
share with you some of the issues we considered in arriving
at that decision." In this way, you both validate the
authority of the institution of parenthood, and at the same
time, you have an opportunity to impart to your children the
values and hashkofo that led YOU to decide to do Y.
What applies to other parents also applies to other schools.
If your children hear a steady line of criticism of different
schools, even if they are part of a totally different stream,
they will internalize a feeling of being judgmental towards
schools. At some point, this feeling may be directed toward
the school they DO attend, or the one you want them to
attend. Then you may wonder why they are so critical...
Judge the Child Favorably
As a child develops, he builds an image of himself. If he
feels that his parents and/or teachers view him negatively,
he will have trouble incorporating that into his self image,
and may well think, "What do they know, anyway?"
In other words, if he is judged negatively, he is likely to
reject the authority of those who are doing the judging.
Instead, he may seek out friends who judge him favorably, and
come to respect and like them, regardless of their
lifestyles, outlook and potential negative influence.
No person is perfect, and children are understandably not
mature enough to exhibit may of the traits we hope they will
eventually acquire. With each child, you may have a list,
maybe even a long list, of areas in which you hope s/he will
improve. Nevertheless, your general appraisal of the child
should be positive and hopeful. This will be conveyed in the
ways you talk about your child to others, the ways you
respond to his achievements and limitations, and the way you
talk to him.
If you see your child as a winner, he will want you to set
the rules because he will trust your judgment and know you
want the best for him.
