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23 Shevat 5765 - February 2, 2005 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family

Staying Connected
By Rachel Gil

The first year is especially significant in cultivating the emotional bond between parents and baby and will determine what kind of attachment pattern the child will form. How does one weave the threads of relationship so that they're not too taut or too loose? What are the ways to improve the connection and maintain it? Most babies are capable of secure attachment but one fifth to one quarter are deprived of attachment as a result of, among other things, the low quality of care and attention which doesn't display sensitivity to all their needs. It's never too late to learn.

Every parent desires a close, warm, loving and open bond with their child. But sometimes the attachment can be suffocating and at others, it's weak and in danger of unraveling. Either way, it can be disappointing. How does one bond properly without too much dependence or independence?

There is, of course, a range of interactions from authoritarian parents who are emotionally distant and those who relate on such a similar level that authority is lost. In the ideal middle are parents who know how to set limits but are close and loving, who are there to listen to a child on any subject at any time but who know how to maintain parental authority.

A Simple Test to Diagnose Attachment

A healthy and balanced relationship is formed at an early age. The foundation is set in the first year of life and establishes itself at around nine months of age (that's the reason adoptive parents are encouraged to adopt a child younger than a year). If the infants haven't experienced maternal love in the developmental first year of life, it will be difficult for them to develop secure attachment which is considered to be the best kind. The model of attachment which they develop remains with them their whole life and becomes the pattern they themselves will adopt as parents. This pattern can be passed on from one generation to another unless the child consciously tries to alter it.

How does one know what kind of attachment their child has formed? With a simple experiment. A researcher by the name of Ainsworth coined the phrase "strange situation". You expose the child to a strange person and then return to gauge his reaction. At the beginning, the mother remains with the child in the room, then she leaves him alone with a strange woman that he has just met. In the second situation, the child is left alone in a room filled with toys.

In these experiments, a two-way mirror was used to watch the behavior of the baby unobserved. A baby with a secure attachment will overcome the small trauma of being exposed to a strange woman and the sudden disappearance of the mother and when she returns, will remain calm. He'll show an interest in the toys in the room although he is aware that his mother is missing or he will feel uncomfortable with the strange woman. When his mother returns, he'll seek comfort in her arms and in her presence, will quickly return to the toys.

The second time that he's left alone, and his mother returns, he will be a little more upset and will be careful to maintain eye contact with her (just in case) but even then, will calm down eventually and return to his toys. He will be happy at his mother's return and won't be too worried that she'll disappear again.

Most babies (55-70%) are characterized as having secure attachments but not a significant percentage have withheld attachments, slightly problematic; one can't be sure about its true background. From one fifth to one quarter of babies seem to have a good attachment, and apparently don't get upset by their mother's absence or the presence of a stranger. The frustrated mother who has to leave and returns later always feels unwanted. "He isn't even happy to see me," she complains. "It seems he didn't even miss me."

The baby is very busy being busy and demonstratively ignores the exit and return of his mother as if he is punishing her. He didn't cry when she left and didn't seek her out when she returned; he was completely indifferent. It's hard to believe, but a baby who "withholds" is suffering very much inside and in fact, is in great distress, but doesn't allow himself to show it. Studies that have measured physiological reactions of the babies of this type have discovered that the greater their distress, the more they were careful to distance themselves from their mother.

At the other end, we find babies that don't forgive any kind of abandonment and if they are exposed to a strange experiment like this, they will be sure to express their displeasure at every stage without any possibility of consolation at all. About 5-10% of babies will react thus. From the moment that someone attempts to leave them in a strange room, they will react stressfully and will be sure to remain in close proximity to their mother. The toys won't interest them because the main part of their attention will be focused on their mother. When she leaves the room, they'll react with anger, tears or passivity and when she returns, they will make a scene that will increase her feelings of guilt. They won't calm down, even in her arms, and will continue crying to emphasize the injustice done to them. In any case, they won't return to the toys which didn't interest them from the beginning.

The final type of attachment which is also problematic is called "non-organized attachment" and is rare among babies. The reaction of a child who is left or given to a stranger will be extreme. When his mother returns, he will be either non-reactive or frozen, or will approach her with his head turned the other way, as if he has undergone some type of difficult trauma.

Answering the Needs of the Baby — Secure Attachment

The ambition of all parents is to form a secure attachment with their baby that will enable him to adapt well in life, in particular when undergoing separations. The strong base of stable secure attachment will show itself in childhood, particularly at age six. When children this age are placed in a strange environment one can see the difference in their reactions. Children with a secure attachment will seek out the closeness of the parent when they return to him, even physically, and when they receive the reassurance of love, they will calm down and return to their games.

Children with abstained attachment will demonstrate in front of their parent that the game is important to them, and only when requested will they respond shortly to their parent and will hurry to return to play. The third type will be overly clinging and dependent on the parent and will simultaneously broadcast mixed messages. Children with disorganized attachment will try to remain close to the parent but will seem restless and they will also try to show that they're the boss. They will try to control the parent and reward themselves for the parent's absence.

A healthy attachment between a parent is expressed in a mutual feeling of deep and natural emotion that is created between them. The child feels that the parent loves him unconditionally. There is a special closeness between them that doesn't always need words. The child is secure in his belonging to the family, secure and appreciated.

The truth is that it doesn't all depend on the parents. The child also has a part in this according to his ability and his nature but a great deal is connected to the behavior, reactions and management of the parents. According to the experts, the quality of the care the baby receives determines to a large extent his type of attachment.

Each child is born with the readiness to create the ideal secure bond with his parents and his caretakers (kindergarten, playgroup etc.), but the type of care he receives carries great weight regarding type of attachment. In a known study, it was found that the quicker and more efficiently a baby's cries are answered, the less he cries at the end of his first year of life, and his chances for secure attachment are almost certain. This doesn't mean running to fulfill his needs before he cries, but the determining factor is the feeling that he gets. A baby who knows that in the end, someone will come to him and answer his needs, who won't leave him in distress without attending to him develops a trust in his caretakers. A baby who is used to waiting a long time until his needs are taken care of, loses trust and his sense of security decreases.

Sometimes the parents try to efficiently meet the baby's needs but his needs are greater than they appear and more than once he felt his needs weren't being met. It's hard to imagine how this influences him. A baby left to cry for a long time, who isn't attended to and who isn't held when he feels the need, will turn into a baby who has abstained attachment or is very dependent. He'll develop this awareness in the first months of his life. it is known that the level of parental sensitivity from four to six months will determine the type of attachment the baby will have from one year onward.

Already from one month, one can pinpoint the type of attachment that the child will have with his parents according to the mother's reaction and her response to his needs. As the months pass, if the attachment isn't good, it will be harder to fix the bad experience for the baby. Indifferent parents who don't show much emotion towards their child and who don't hasten to show him physical affection when he wants it, will build, to a certain extent, the basis for abstained attachment of their baby. There are mothers who speak a lot to their babies but at the same time, ignore his attempts to connect with them until circumstances force him to abstain.

Insecure attachment is very dependent and is connected to inconsistent care, extreme poverty and physical deprivation. Unorganized attachment has been found to be connected to frightening or frightened behavior of the mother. In any case in which the parent or caregiver is not emotionally available for the baby, this almost guarantees the baby's inability to develop a secure attachment.

How to Improve the Connection

Physical Contact - Rest the baby on you when you are calm. Stroke him often, hug him and even massage him.

Face to Face - Try to hold the baby facing you and talk to him at eye level, face to face. When the child already knows how to talk and to point, you can incorporate a game where he has to identify parts of the body, to name them and touch them.

Heart to Heart Talks — Speak to the child often, warmly, with affection and love. Try to get down to his level so you maintain eye contact.

Adapting to his Level — Encourage the child to perform tasks that he is capable of doing, without developing expectations too high for his age. Play with him, adapting yourself to his level of ability and understanding.

Heightened Sensitivity — Listen to the child and show understanding when he is restless. Support him when he is tense, afraid or anxious about the present or future.

Try to Develop Him in Every Way — Encourage him to develop relationships with children his own age; encourage him to develop thinking skills and independent action and enable him to solve his own daily problems in order to progress. (This is more suitable for older children.)

Connection Leads to Connection

Secure attachment is a state that everyone enjoys — society, the family and of course, the child himself. Not only is the child easier and allows the parents more flexibility and maneuvering ability (every babysitter earns his trust easily) but his ability to cope with different relationships and other situations will be much easier. Studies show that already at one year, children with secure attachments will be friendlier and will also demonstrate better coping skills with new situations and tasks at two years old. If they encounter any difficulties, they will prefer to ask for help instead of crying and getting upset.

In contrast, toddlers of two years old who are classified at a year old as having insecure attachments will be more easily frustrated, will refuse adult help, will ignore their suggestions and give up quickly.

The path of securely attached children will also be strewn with roses at three and a half. They will be considered, personable, independent and enthusiastic learners. Those with insecure attachment are likely to be considered introverted, socially hesitant, lacking motivation to learn or perseverance. The more secure the attachment, the better the self-image of the child and the greater his confidence in his abilities. The result is generally better social and educational functioning and controlled reactions without anger, tantrums or crying.

The more parents invest in attachment with their infant, it seems that they will reap more pleasure and success in future in most areas. The connection between him and them will be a sort of mirror for his relationship with society and even his relationship with his future children.

A Regular Caregiver Contributes to Secure Attachment in Babies

The clearest sign of a good connection between a child and his caregiver is the happiness the child feels when seeing her and the desire to be with her, as well as the fact that he doesn't hurry to separate from her when the real caregiver, the father or mother, arrives.

In order to form a secure attachment to caregivers in daycare, kindergarten or any other place, it's important to maintain constancy. The more of the staff in the nursery is permanent, the greater the chances that the child will form an attachment to them and trust them. New faces that change at a confusing rate frighten the child, who finds it difficult to form a bond with a particular person and doesn't know whom to trust. If a child is exposed to too many experiences with changing caregivers, he'll feel greatly distressed. The new strange person who appears each time doesn't allow him to form a secure attachment. It won't be surprising if he then makes heartbreaking scenes or acts stubbornly or rebelliously when the mother arrives in order to demonstrate how great is his displeasure.

 

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