Question: Please can you give me a few tips on how to answer
shidduchim questions?
Malka
ANSWER:
Dear Malka,
Tightrope
I have felt like walking on a tightrope when asked certain
questions. On the one hand, we have to keep in mind the
interests of the questioner. On the other, there is the
privacy of the one asked about. How do we figure out how we
are supposed to respond?
Wisdom
In this respect, R' Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt'l used
to quote that "the beginning of wisdom is fearing the
Creator." He wrote in a halachic response:
"shidduchim issues are very serious, such as saying
that [one] had a broken engagement, etc. For that, you need
great fear of Hashem and good common sense."
In other words, just as we take great care in other important
areas of our lives, we should also use our speech cautiously,
especially since a reference has awesome responsibility. We
must answer appropriately according to the specific
situation. The rest is best left unsaid.
I recently read in an article, "Being a reference, the one to
whom one of the sides in a shidduch turns for
information, is a much bigger responsibility than one thinks.
As with any important job, it has to be approached with
intelligence and forethought."
Before replying, we have to try to judge what is the correct
approach. Although facts could theoretically be objective,
when human nature and feelings are involved, you need great
wisdom to assess the uniqueness of the situation without
exaggeration. The way we choose to express ourselves is
crucial. What will ultimately convey the message is not just
what is expressed, but how it's done. Particularly,
considering clarity, exact wording, tone of voice, and even
body language.
Learn Sefer Chofetz Chaim
The laws of revealing information in shidduchim are
complex and require study. It's praiseworthy to review them
often, for when the guidelines are fresh in our minds, we are
less likely to transgress. Even if you or a close family
member is not dating, sooner or later, when you least expect,
you will be asked information. Without knowing the Torah
directives, one will inevitably stumble in many
prohibitions.
To volunteer too much is under the category of not to "go as
a gossipmonger among your people." That refers to passing on
information indiscriminately, freely. Before setting up Gila,
I found out that in the past she had a serious health
condition. Meanwhile, someone asked me about her. Upon asking
a rov, I was told not to disclose this. Especially
since Gila also asked for a rabbinic ruling, and took the
responsibility to reveal that information when she was
required by her rov to do so.
In the same verse, the Torah warns us of the opposite;
refraining from revealing what you are obligated to reveal.
This offense is categorized as "not putting a stumbling block
in front of the blind," as well as not to "stand upon a
neighbor's blood." We can't run away from responsibility if
someone else's life and happiness are at stake. Recently I
asked a seminary girl for references of friends. Our
conversation went as follows: "They don't feel comfortable to
be called on to give their names as references." "Why not?"
"Because they don't know how to answer; they don't know the
laws." "So why don't they learn them?"
The Chofetz Chaim said that, regarding a shidduch,
people speak when they should be quiet, and hold back when
they ought to speak up. The evil inclination, he explains,
works both sides of the fence. In those who have important
information that should be conveyed, the evil inclination
stirs such a dread of speaking loshon hora that they
hold their tongues. In those who are eager to pass on their
fleeting negative impressions, he provides ample
encouragement, warning them not to violate the Torah's
prohibition against "standing by as a fellow man's blood is
shed."
When in Doubt, Clarify With A Posek
What is the definition of essential negative details?
According to the Chofetz Chaim it includes health problems,
any ideas, religious outlook and lack of Torah wisdom that
could affect marriage. Since we are dealing with human
sensitivities, there are variables. For example, for some, a
minor health problem, height or smoking are issues.
Upon being asked a delicate question in shidduchim, a
well-known teacher of shmiras haloshon, answered that
she is not a posek. The issues are serious and if you
need more then wise advice, make sure to ask daas
Torah.
When in doubt, clarify with a rabbinic authority exactly how
you should answer — if you should be divulging, how it
should be worded. And if not, what you should then
respond.
Once, I was given someone's therapist as a reference. The
professional said that before answering, he has a policy,
even if not about a patient, to call back later, after having
analyzed the situation and obtaining rabbinic advice if
needed. Remember that when in doubt, it's always best to say
that you will call back later. "If you find yourself in the
predicament of having someone on the line waiting for an
answer while you don't know what is right to reveal, you can
always find an excuse to call back and in the interval call
an authority. Never, ever say, "I have to ask a rov
what I am allowed to say." Besides alerting them to the fact
that there is an issue, they will never believe that you have
shared the whole story, even if the authority says you should
and you did."
Background Information
When you ask for rabbinic ruling, you need to have some
background particulars. The talmid chochom whom I
often consult gave me four basic guidelines:
1. General Information
How well you know the parties involved makes a difference.
When you know the couple, more likely you'll have an idea of
who they are and what they are looking for. At the same
time, they might rely more on you. More than for a mere
reference, they will be counting on your honesty, based on a
relationship of trust. Reliable references are responsible by
being careful to act according to halacha without
embellishing or understating.
2. What Exactly is the Question?
For example, if the question is if Chezky learns well, it can
mean many different things. It could be dedication,
diligence, depth of understanding, breadth of knowledge, or
analytical thought. Some girls look for a respectable
student, while others, only for a brilliant scholar who will
likely get a prestigious position.
3. Is it Really True?
First of all, it makes a difference if the details you know
are objectively true — if you heard it from the person
involved firsthand, from a reliable source or from hearsay. A
mother told me that because her daughter was absent from
seminary for a short period, the teacher mistakenly told the
boy's side that she is a sick girl. The teacher should have
verified the situation before passing on any judgment. It is
obvious that someone absent for a short period could have had
many other reasons, far from her conclusions.
Often we don't have the whole picture at hand, but only a
view from one of the angles. If there was a divorce and you
only know one side of the story, you can't claim that you
have the absolute truth. Or if you hear from a neighbor who
is not on the best of terms with the person inquired about,
the facts might get negatively distorted.
4. Where is the Shidduch Holding?
Rabbinic ruling will depend on the seriousness of the
situation. If they are making inquiries and haven't yet met,
certain information might be appropriate to be revealed at a
later stage. If the couple has just started meeting, but the
relationship is not yet serious, there might not yet be an
emotional bond. But if they decided to get engaged, the
shidduch has been basically finalized. Public
knowledge or engagement circumstances require care not to
divulge, unless necessary, what would cause strain in a
commitment.
Hashem's Will
Someone asked the Chazon Ish: How can someone not worry about
his reputation if there are parties which do not have his
best interest in mind, and might answer accordingly. The
Chazon Ish answered that if the shidduch is meant to
be, either the right people will be asked, or the inquirer
won't be discouraged by negative reports.
In all our deeds we hope to bring out the honor of the
Almighty — may He help us use wisdom, power of speech
as well as all our faculties to fulfill His will!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified, with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and educators. Any
comments, questions and stories can be sent to:
travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
