Question:
You write repeatedly about the importance of asking
shailas to poskim. I am in no way contesting
their authority — their greatness is beyond our
comprehension. I was just amazed by a gadol's
unyielding reply that it was not my zivug to a
shidduch I was considering. Why didn't he say, "I
don't recommend," rather than to strongly reinforce that the
match is not "made in Heaven?" How could he shoulder the
responsibility of what Hashem has in mind for me?
Answer:
Although the sages' "greatness is beyond our comprehension,"
its practical application is not always obvious. We know that
their understanding of life stems from objectivity and
clarity of toiling in Torah. At the same time, Hashem
grants them Divine assistance. Because we are only given
counted minutes, we are often left with short sentences.
Usually we don't grasp their reasoning. So how do we
understand and apply their firm directives?
Here is not the place to expand on their prominence, but some
ideas could show us how their leadership is essential for
Bnei Torah. If it's not part of our conduct to turn to
them in times of need, including the shidduchim
process, it should be something to get accustomed to.
Make a Rov for Yourself
The Chazon Ish wrote that the Torah could be divided in two.
The first is what is allowed and what is prohibited, while
the second is how to put into practice the directions in
daily life. Unfortunately, "enlightened" groups believe that
we follow the Rabbis on Jewish law, but on its deliberation
we are free to do whatever we want. History demonstrates that
such gross mistakes develop into progressive weakening of
observance, and eventual assimilation!
There is no shortage of sources in our traditions that we
have to be humble to seek advice from the scholars. As such,
for all moves and steps, for all undertakings, regarding
something permitted or not, a person is obligated to ask and
consult with his Rabbi. Likewise, it is written in the
Ethics of the Fathers that a person should make a
Rov for himself. Even if we are well educated and
don't think we need a teacher, we should find one, anyway.
It is well known that the greatest authorities consult each
other frequently. If HaRav Shach zatzal consulted with
the Steipler zatzal and other Torah luminaries, how
can we claim to be self sufficient, all knowledgeable?
Who are the Gedolim?
Since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, prophets
lost their prophecy, but the wise sages didn't. The Ramban's
explanation elucidates their special status.
Chachomim are not dependent on visions and appearances.
Wisdom is a deeper understanding, a product of toil and
Divine service, perceiving truth through Heavenly inspiration
which is granted to a mature or venerable man of sound
judgment.
Furthermore, following the directives of those mature and
venerable men of sound judgment prevents us from making
mistakes. Chazal pointed out that whoever gets
guidance from elders doesn't fail. The explanation is that
since Hashem and the Torah are one, whoever is devoted
to his Torah is devoted to the Almighty, to a G-dly element.
This higher connection and spiritual channel is like a
straight pipeline to the Creator. It's an exalted
transcendent level that few in each generation achieve.
In Vayikra, the expression einei hador, the
eyes of the generation, is used in referring to the leaders
of the generation. Their spiritual eyes clarify issues in
this world, what direction we should take, and guard the
decisions with unadulterated logic, showing the right
pathway.
Objectivity
I've seen more then one example of learned fathers who,
because they consider themselves to be scholars, think they
are failsafe. Arrogantly, they arbitrarily make harsh
decisions for their children, harming their family's self-
confidence and reputation. Many such stories have even ended
in divorce.
Obviously parents must guide their children, even grown up
ones, but with great care and insight, since teenagers and
young adults have a mind of their own. Their feelings have to
be validated; yet we need to reinforce our life experience.
Sometimes warnings don't help and they learn from their own
mistakes.
We want to be reasonable and thought out. But to be totally
objective all the time is impossible. A friend of mine
recently told a well-known shadchan that her
experiences probably facilitate dealings with her own
children's shidduchim. My friend was surprised with
the reply but agreed that once we are personally involved,
it's hard to have clarity. Here, again, we see the need to
consult with others.
We want so much the best for our children. The emotions are
intense and mistakes can be easily rationalized. We feel for
our children and hope they will be spared any suffering that
could be avoided.
But to go the extreme and think that we have full control is
blowing things out of proportion. That's what happens, for
example, with the overprotective parents who want to rule out
all possible "imperfections" for their cherished ones. My
heart goes out for those older girls waiting at home as time
marches on. It goes without saying that there is no
perfection in this world, not even in her lovable
maidel . . .
Application
The Ramban wrote that we shouldn't deviate from what the
leaders tell us, even if in our eyes their ruling seems
contradictory to what seems best. The mitzva of
emunas chachamim is not considered an easy one. We
have to be very self-effacing to put our lives in their hands
and accept that the Divine Spirit is with them.
We need to cling to their righteousness, for they are kept
from erring and making mistakes. Throughout our history, the
finer perception of the renowned rabbonim wisely saw
ahead of our limited vision. Just as they guided us
throughout the ages, we are blessed in every generation with
such elevated souls.
Often their words are difficult to comprehend. A family I
know was hesitant about a certain shidduch for their
son. Although a close relative was pushing for it, they had
many questions, because of differences in background,
mentality, customs, etc. All the gadol said was,
Mazel Tov. They quickly concluded: that was it —
he had to get engaged. It's not for me to interpret what he
meant. But we could imagine that perhaps what the authority
wanted to imply is that they shouldn't quickly disregard the
match, but check it carefully.
Had the concern been phrased in another way, inevitably, the
answer might have been otherwise . . . Instead of assuming
to take it according to their understanding, it would have
been advisable to return and clarify what is the precise
ruling. The couple got married and struggled with the
incompatible marriage. A few months later they got divorced .
. .
I can't emphasize enough how imperative it is to think
carefully before asking the halachic ruling. Your wording
will be crucial to determine the answer. At the same time,
the meeting with the gadol is so short, and you need
to be prepared as to what you want to ask and the best,
concise way to express it. It can be helpful to write things
down for the sake of clarity. Especially if you don't have
experience going to gedolim and your query is
complicated, it's advisable, if possible, to go accompanied
with someone more experienced then you.
If the response is ambiguous, try to clarify before leaving,
or else came back if necessary. But don't take a hesitation,
hand movement, facial expression, etc. as an answer, unless
there is no room for doubt.
Once a girl was told about a certain medical history
affecting the boy she met; she found out about the specific
case. Several professionals consulted considered it a minor
issue. The first sage replied to her parents that he wasn't
familiar with the medical condition. Another respected
authority hesitated, but eventually told them that it was not
a reason to break off. Meanwhile, a relative interpreted the
hesitation as an indication to avoid the shidduch.
Interestingly enough, soon after, another suggestion she met
eventually revealed having that same condition! And again,
rather than clarifying the issue, they said no. Maybe it was
not meant to happen anyway, so they read the signs in that
direction.
We are, so far from following the great leaders' crystal
clear reasoning that we can't possibly claim to understand
their thought processes. And even when we think we can, it
might be only a very small fraction of the whole picture to
which they have access.
Many twist the answer at their own convenience, feeling
satisfied as if they are following daas Torah. There
are others who go even further, quoting the ruling, although
it was only meant for an individual's specific situation.
This type of generalization can cause great harm.
Mashgiach
Often, a gadol might tell us to consult at length with
someone who knows us. It's worthwhile to develop such a
relationship with a rabbi. It can be a tremendous asset in
shidduchim as well, considering the unavoidable vast
amount of information and dealings with people. Furthermore,
it's impossible to bring all questions to the higher
authorities.
For more common and daily tribulations, a reliable talmid
chacham can guide us. But we need to make sure that he
can understand the situation and knows where we are coming
from. In order to avoid misunderstandings and facilitate
communication, if it's at all possible, try to find a Rabbi
who comes from your country, culture, and speaks your mother
tongue.
A shadchan I know who deals mostly with baalei
tshuva said she won't meet a single eligible who doesn't
get guidance. At the same time, some FFB (frum from
birth) girls I know specifically ask for a boy who has a
mashgiach. They say it will be beneficial for their
married life as well.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02)656-3111
