Q. We have a daughter of sixteen who feels entitled to
participate in all suggestions for a shidduch which we
contemplate for our eldest daughter. She says she is old
enough to be taken into our confidence and is deeply offended
when we suggest that she is too young. She claims that if she
is old enough to help with the household chores and is
continually being told that she is `one of the big ones,' why
is she `one of the little ones' in the family when it comes
to the riveting subject of her sister's shidduch?
I don't particularly want to hear her opinion on a possible
candidate, nor do I want to involve her in the subject at
all, but she watches me like a hawk. When I have a telephone
conversation, she wants to know who it was and what it was
about. If I go out with my older daughter, she insists on
knowing exactly where we went and why. She cross-examines me
and although I sympathize with her, I have no intention of
letting her in on this subject.
Can you suggest any way in which I can keep this kind of
tension from coming between us, and what to do about this
younger girl's hurt feelings?
A. This is a common problem which affects many families. As
the children grow up, parents spread their love and attention
as equally as possible. Nevertheless, there are times and
situations where one child needs far more attention than his
siblings. Every child has to feel secure in the knowledge
that he has a special spot in his parents' hearts. He also
has to know that if he confides in them, no matter what the
secret is, they will respect his privacy.
Every child who feels confident that his parents will keep
faith with him will fully understand that they have to extend
the same courtesy to his brothers and sisters. Their secrets
have to be safeguarded, too.
Naturally, there will be times when one child will try to
wheedle some secret out of his mother/father. If the parent
states politely but firmly that the subject is not up for
discussion, the child will only respect him for this.
Shidduchim is one of the subjects which the
prospective candidates prefer not to discuss with the whole
family. On the other hand, it is one of the subjects which
arouses avid curiosity amongst younger siblings. They will
coax and whine and use moral blackmail like the one you
mentioned, of being old enough to help all the time but not
old enough to be included in family discussions. In their
hearts, the teenagers will understand fully, and will know
that when their own time comes, their parents will guard
their secrets just as staunchly.
You would do best to explain to this girl of sixteen that it
has nothing to do with being `big' or `small' and that it is
just a matter of respecting a confidence. Ask her not to try
to listen to your telephone conversations but assure her that
she will be told of any happy news before any outsiders know
about it. Remind her of things which she may have told you
which you never divulged even to the older sister.
To make her feel better, you can ask her advice about
choosing new curtains, or which color to paper a room or any
other `adult' problem. This will not lessen her curiosity,
but will mollify her resentment. If she knows that you are
adamant in your determination, she will stop pestering you.
Children only continue to badger a parent when they feel even
an ever-so-slight hesitation in the decision.
The same arguments apply to an older married sister who is
not taken into the parents' confidence before a
shidduch. Parents are entitled to act as they see fit,
and do not have to explain all their reasons even to older,
married children who feel as intelligent and experienced as
their parents. The children will have to come to terms with
that fact.
