Two young people who get married naturally come from
different homes, yet generally come from similar backgrounds.
Sometimes, one of the families is steeped in tradition with
customs and chumros which are as important to them as
commands from the Torah. Sometimes both families descend from
generations of great ancestors who have passed on their
traditions. Besides these combinations, there are also unions
between people from completely different backgrounds. Which
side capitulates?
It is not always easy to start with new minhogim,
which are as important as the actual halocho. However,
a good wife follows the traditions of her husband. A woman
should aim to please her husband and do what he requests. If
there is mutual respect and love, they will be able to
discuss the details. Instead of building up resentment, they
should communicate with each other so that the wife can
express her reservations. A good example of this is, for
instance, if the husband has always been used to eating
gebroks (matzo combined with water in any form) on
Pesach and the wife comes from a home where this was rigidly
forbidden, she will find it very difficult to concede.
Although it is usual for the wife to conform to her husband's
customs, if she feels very strongly about a particular
matter, it might be wise to consult daas Torah. Many
girls nowadays, who go to seminaries and are (or may feel
they are) more learned than their young husbands in certain
areas, have the mistaken idea that they are equal in all
things. A really intelligent girl knows that she must make
her husband feel more knowledgeable, more informed. This is
axiomatic in all marriages. If a girl belittles his customs
or makes her husband feel that she comes from a more
illustrious family, she is heading for trouble. Moreover, the
children may not respect their father.
Some girls never call their mothers-in-law `Mommy.' By giving
her this title, which is also a mark of respect, she is not
belittling her own mother. This is her husband's mother and
she will be her children's grandmother. The shvigger
will feel loved and accepted if the girl takes the plunge and
addresses her in the same way as her son does. It is not wise
to wait till you have made your mother-in-law a grandmother
when you can call her by the general appellation of Bubby.
If a daughter-in-law asks for advice or receives it in good
measure without asking, if it makes her feel inferior, she
should accept it as she would from a stranger. She doesn't
always have to follow it! On the other hand, the older woman
certainly knows her son's tastes in food better than the
young wife does so why not ask for a few recipes? There is no
need to be on the defensive. Older people have a great deal
of experience and want to share it with others.
Ruth said to her mother-in-law Naomi, "Where you go, I will
go... Your people are my people... Where you die I will
die..." She meant that she would follow her blindly in the
ways of the Torah. All chumros and minhogim
originate from the wish to keep the mitzvos of the
Torah with all their minutiae. Bearing this in mind, couples
will arrange their lives so that they can bring up their
children in the ways of the Torah, while showing
consideration and respect for both families equally.
A happy home brings its own reward, with children eager to
take on our traditions, which are the keystone of Jewish
continuity.
