The following letter was printed in YATED NEEMAN on 11 Av,
5752, under the heading "A Yiddishe Wedding."
"This is the season of weddings. We are invited every evening
to another wedding and the mountain of invitations promises
that every night we will be busy. But I would like to share a
distressing experience that I had, not long ago, at a wedding
in Bnei Brak.
"Going up the steps leading to the hall, I already knew that
I would go home with a headache. The volume of the music was
unbearable. I couldn't talk with my in-laws or with other
relatives and friends, it was so earsplitting. I want,
however, to comment about something even more painful and
fundamental to Yiddishkeit.
"After I accustomed (?) myself a bit to the heated atmosphere
of the wedding hall, I immediately felt uncomfortable, as if
I had come to the wrong address. Are these the songs, the
rhythms, the dances that characterize our circle? Is this the
type of simcha that brings Divine inspiration?
"A friend of mine, a baalas tshuva, was standing by me
and deeply shaken, blurted out: `This sight I know well from
my past! It reminds me more of a show at a night club than a
Yiddishe wedding.' and I, in my astonishment, ask with a
heart full of sincere pain: Don't the educators of the young
generations: the roshei yeshivos, the teachers in the
seminaries and the parents, have the power to stop this sort
of thing that is spreading and destroying the best of us? Is
it impossible to restrain the young generation?"
Writing with pain,
A Yerushalmi who cares
Twelve years have passed since this letter was published and
nothing has changed. Some people try to find out in advance
which band is playing, to decide if it is worth going to a
friend's wedding or not. Others carry their ear plugs with
them at all times. The question still remains -- can nothing
be done to make weddings at least bearable?
In reality, there is nothing preventing people from making a
respectable Jewish wedding with normal music, if they make
sure to plan everything in advance. We have already explained
the major problems that spoil the kedusha at weddings
in the article "Chareidi Music and Non-Music" (YATED,
Cheshvan 5764). We would like to present here advice and
guidelines for parents who want to enjoy their own
simcha and avoid the embarrassment that many bands and
musicians cause them.
Before we start, we must first be aware of the factors that
make the atmosphere at weddings unbearable. These are: the
volume and amplification, the style of the music, the songs,
the instruments used, and pressure from a strong minority of
weak bochurim who decide which bands their friends
should order.
1. Choosing a Band
The most important thing to do first is to choose a reliable
band which agrees to do as they are told. Unfortunately, most
band leaders are more interested in being popular in the eyes
of the bochurim than playing what the hosts want them
to play, and even if they do agree to do as they are told
during the first half of the wedding, in most cases it is
impossible to stop them from turning the second half into a
performance of the latest hits, played at maximum volume.
It is therefore important to book a band that can be trusted
to take orders only from the people who are paying them.
There is now available a list of kosher bands and
musicians made by the Committee of Jewish Music which is
currently being used by most yeshivos. It can be obtained at
[972] 03- 6191973. However, since everyone has different
tastes and standards, it is also advisable to hear them play
first and not rely on recommendations of friends.
People should also be aware that it is their privilege to
choose the instruments to be used. Many chareidi bands
are forcing people to take a heavy metal or hard rock group,
while traditional Jewish instruments such as the violin and
clarinet are being forced into retirement and replaced by the
electric guitar and saxophone to make the music sound like
the recordings of the modern pop stars. Some bands also
embarrass the hosts by employing non-religious rock musicians
and sound men whose appearance is very disconcerting and who
make the music sound like a rock concert. This is most common
among the large bands made for expensive weddings [and it
should be known that since they are not permanent groups,
they are not well-rehearsed and do not give a high standard
of performance for the price paid].
It should also be pointed out that those bands which are
infamous for playing in a disrespectful manner usually charge
far more than kosher bands of the same size and quality.
2. Choosing a Hall
A major factor that affects the sound and volume of the music
that many people are not aware of is the hall being used.
Small or narrow halls or halls with low ceilings can be very
problematic and require a responsible sound man to make sure
that the amplification remains respectable. In a long narrow
hall, it sometimes helps to add extra speakers to reduce the
volume. If the band leader is not cooperative in such cases,
you may have to spend half the time outside the hall.
4. Choosing the Music
It is important to review the list of songs to be played
before the wedding and give instructions which songs the
chosson and kalla and their parents want to
hear. It should be noted that if the parents are not
particular to check what is being played, they may receive
some embarrassing surprises -- not only a program of the
latest hits chosen by the radio disc jockeys, but even non-
Jewish hits from the beatles and other disgusting creatures.
People who are particular to hear traditional Jewish music
should not ask to play `chassidishe' since today,
`chassidishe' music means rock and roll.
One band leader told me that the easiest way to cut out most
of the modern radio songs is by finishing the dancing at
11:00. This is also a chessed to the neighbors of the
halls who suffer every night from late noisy weddings.
5. Appoint a Mashgiach
Since the hosts are usually preoccupied with their guests and
not able to pay attention to the music being played, it is
advisable to appoint a responsible friend or family member to
supervise the behavior of the musicians at all times and
ensure that nobody else gives them orders, to play
undesirable songs or to raise the volume.
6. The Volume
The maximum noise level recommended by the Israeli
Environment Ministry is 92 decibels. Measurements made this
Lag B'Omer at eight Bnei Brak weddings found all of the bands
playing at 110-115 decibels, and one of them even reached
125!
It should be noted that exposure for more than seven minutes
at 115 decibles causes damange to hearing. Since most
musicians at weddings are not able to sense the high volume,
as most of them have had their hearing already impaired from
continued exposure to their loud music, it is therefore the
obligation of the hosts to ensure that their guests do not
recieve damage from the high volume! They should, therefore,
make it clear to the band leader, preferably in a contract,
that if the volume is not lowered when this is requested,
they will be penalized. It is also worthwhile to demand that
the musicians do not use ear plugs. Let them suffer from
their own noise, as well.
7. Weddings in Yerusholayim
Many people think that when making a wedding in Yerusholayim
where musical instruments are not used, they do not have to
worry about all of the points mentioned above. This is
absolutely not true. There are many drummers today who play
everything with rock rhythms, together with singers who
provide all types of obscene vocal effects to make up for the
absence of the electric guitar and the heavy bass, and of
course, they overamplify the noise so that the guests are
forced to suffer. Therefore, parents who want to make a
respectable wedding with a drummer and singers should also be
careful to take reliable people who play and sing with good
taste.
Finally, there remains one more important point that needs to
be mentioned. There are many decent people who think that
they are forced to let their children have a disco wedding,
especially those who believe that there is a custom that the
chosson chooses the band. I posed this question to
Hagaon R' Shmuel Halevi Wosner shlita and he wrote to
me as follows: "The chosson should give honor to his
parents and they should hire those who play in the spirit of
Torah and mitzvos."
Most roshei yeshiva have already signed that they will not
participate in the weddings of talmidim who order
bands that do not play respectfully. It is, therefore,
worthwhile for parents who find that their son is being
pressured by friends to take a disreputable band to consult
with the rosh yeshiva or mashgiach and request their
support.
It is also advisable when the other side does not care about
the music, to stress to them that they are unable to sit at a
wedding where rock music is being played, and if necessary,
it is worth offering to pay for the whole cost of the band to
ensure that there will be no chillul Hashem. In any
case of dispute, ask Daas Torah how to act.
For further advice on making a wedding and choosing a
suitable band, please phone 03-619-1973.
[We would like to use this opportunity to note a correction
on the phone number of the WEDDING PLANNER GEMACH, which is
054-453-7938.]
