Discordant Notes
Ahuva begged her parents to let her take music lessons. She
wanted to play the keyboard. The girl was not particularly
musical, yet on the other hand, maybe just because of that
they ought to encourage her. There was the thought of the
financial outlay. The lessons were cheaper, as they were
arranged by the school, but the entire term's lessons would
have to be paid for in advance. The keyboard would also be
quite expensive. In the end, they capitulated and bought the
instrument, to be paid for in installments. Ahuva, whose joy
knew no bounds, joined the 'music club.' She started lessons
eagerly and worked hard. After three months the novelty wore
off, as did her enthusiasm. Ahuva stopped practicing at home
and went to lessons with great reluctance. Her frustrated
parents did not know what to do about it. They were annoyed
but sorry for a girl who did not want these extracurricular
lessons.
Where's our Leader
It was Naomi's ambition to be chosen as a Shabbos group
leader. She canvassed all her older friends and anyone else
she thought could help her achieve her objective. Some of her
classmates were competing for this honor, but in the end,
Naomi was chosen. Greatly excited she told all and sundry
about her new 'position.' For the first few weeks she
prepared all the activities and she and her charges had a
good time together. Then it was pre-examination time. The
onus of exams looming over her left little time for
preparation. She did the minimum, cancelled meetings and
avoided the girls. One Shabbos she had not notified the girls
but decided to go to sleep all the same. The disappointed
girls waited and waited, then trooped to Naomi's house to
find out why she hadn't come.
Surprise Surprise
"I decided to give you a surprise Mummy and clean up the
whole kitchen," announced eleven-year-old Tamar. Her mother,
who had just come in, saw the child standing in a deep pool
of water, mop in hand, obviously at a loss. With mixed
feelings Mother smiled at her and wished her success. From
past experience, Mother knew that Tamar was one who always
began with good intentions but needed someone constantly
breathing down her neck to make her finish. Nevertheless, she
thought, maybe just this time Tamar would really surprise her
and do a good job in the kitchen? An hour later, when there
was an ominous silence coming from the kitchen, Mother went
to investigate. She discovered the pools of water, and Tamar
in bed, sleeping the sleep of the just.
We have all met people who belong to the 'beginners'
category. They begin a task with great fanfare and a lot of
enthusiasm. Somewhere along the line the job gets left and is
never completed. Whether it is a girl who starts a piece of
tapestry which is then left to molder in the back of a
cupboard somewhere, or a yeshiva bochur who promises
to decorate the whole flat in bein hazemanim and,
after giving an undercoat to two walls of the kitchen, tires
of the enterprise. Two girls want to earn some money and plan
a day camp for children in the summer holidays, They enroll
children and buy a few essentials. At first things go very
well, but after a week the two are tired. They are impatient
with the children (who are astute enough to know their
feelings, and behave accordingly) and things begin to get out
of hand. The reader can no doubt supply the end of the
story.
Analyzing the Problem
Parents are terribly worried about children who start, but
never finish their jobs. If they run away from small tasks,
what will they do later on in life when they are confronted
by complicated situations? This is why one shouldn't just
close an eye to these episodes. We have to analyze the reason
why the child failed to complete his assignment and try to
find ways to help him.
One reason for the child's failure is that he has too little
information. He thinks that all successful people have always
been that way. In fact successful people have all had
failures and disappointments but have persisted. One of the
Gedolei Yisroel, when speaking about the positive side
of stubbornness, said "stubborn people succeed." They will
ignore all the failures and pitfalls and carry out their aim
come what may. They will not give in. Those who succumb to
fatigue or boredom or just lack of enthusiasm cause
themselves irreparable harm. Instead of the satisfaction of a
job well done, they have an inner void, a low self image and
may even go into depression, chas veshalom.
Getting the Child to Complete the Task
Children have to be told that difficulties are usually part
of the job. They may not have tackled the job correctly and
have to learn from their mistakes. As long as a child knows
that someone else is going to finish the job for him, he will
imagine that he is incapable of finishing it. Each time he is
encouraged (and it needs a lot of encouragement!) to finish
something, he will improve at it. If a child feels that you
are honestly trying to help him, and are not just criticizing
or talking in frustration, he is more likely to listen.
For example, "I notice that you have stopped practicing your
music at home, and that you don't like going to lessons any
more. Is it too hard for you?" Empathy and understanding will
not solve the problem, so if the daughter agrees, you should
continue, "Is it because you have no time, or because you
don't want to practice any more? What do you think we could
do about it?" "It seems that these groups have become a
burden on you. Do you have discipline problems? Can you not
manage all the work for the group and also for school? Etc."
"You thought painting and decorating was a piece of cake.
Right? It's harder than it looks, isn't it? I tell you what.
You can't leave the walls half done like that. Leave it for
today, as you're tired, and tomorrow I would like you to
finish them. We will leave the rest of the room and the flat
till I can get a painter in." "Day camp is really hard work.
You can ask all your friends. But you promised the parents
three weeks, so you have to stick to it. Let's plan some more
activities and interesting things for you to do for the rest
of the time." The child has to be convinced that you are not
punishing him in any way, but that you are just trying to
help him cope with his self-imposed task so that he can
finish it somehow.
Sometimes, of course, the actual start was a mistake and
there is no point in trying to help the child to persevere.
The child who begged for music lessons only did so because
her friends were going. It is useless to force a child to
practice something which is obviously not her line. It will
not help to rub salt into the wounds by saying, "You asked
for those lessons and look how much we have spent on you.
Don't you ever ask to join any other club." Instead, try to
get her to salvage what she can. "Go to the secretary
tomorrow, explain the problem, and ask if you could possibly
join another club, maybe cookery or art, whatever you think
you will enjoy, for the rest the year. At least then we won't
have wasted the tuition fee."
We are told that the job belongs to the one who finished it
not the one who started. Yiddishkeit is not for
'starters.' Even if we have attained a certain spiritual
height, we are never allowed to rest on our laurels. The
angels are called "omdim." They are on a very high
level, but can rise no further. Man, on the other hand, is a
"mehalech," one who makes strides. This is his
uniqueness, and this is his task: to continue to strive and
progress.
