Most people with toddlers and growing children have
encountered the `terrible twos.' Children of this age are not
short of love and affection, and love their mother/father as
much as any baby loves anyone beside himself. It is just the
age.
"Self/ 'lone/ I can/ nowanna/ no." Anything Mommy suggests is
NO even if he is desperate to comply. For example, if she
says, "Go and get your coat so we can go out," he will run in
the opposite direction, yet five minutes later, he will be
screaming to go out. At the end of the day, his mother feels
she has been battling with him all day (and she has!). She
may have three or four other pre-school children who,
together, are less trouble than this one child who rules the
roost and wears her out.
There is no satisfactory translation for the word
davka, although `contrary' or `on purpose' is similar
[while `for spite' is way off]. He doesn't even want you to
give in to him. All children need boundaries to know how far
they can go and they test you out. This child is testing his
independence. He is not trying to annoy or even to call
attention to himself. He refuses to be fed, and insists on
drinking from a cup 'lone even though much of the food and
drink misses his mouth. He won't let you strap him into the
stroller and screams hysterically when you attempt to do
so.
So what are you going to do about the little rebellious
tyrant? These children are extremely sagacious; nevertheless,
at this age, mothers are still cleverer. It is easy enough to
fool small children and to distract their attention. Most
things are not worth a fight. If he insists on dressing
himself, let him. You might be surprised at the amount he
manages to do. If his pullover is back-to-front, you can
either give a surreptitious little tug or just leave it. Does
it matter?
In fact, most things are not really important. Thus, if you
can avoid confrontation, do so. Naturally, there are some
points which are not up for discussion. Strangely enough,
most normal children, however contrary they are, do not
insist on chillul Shabbos. They somehow pick up by
osmosis which things are essential or non-negotiable, and
where they can insist on their own way.
Leave the stroller near the front door and take your own coat
off, going back into the kitchen as if you have no intention
of going out. He will be pulling at you and asking to go out
within a minute. Now you can bargain with the little despot.
"If you sit in the stroller, we can go. Otherwise we have to
stay home." In most cases, he will comply immediately.
There are those who rebel against the bath, yet once they are
in, they refuse to come out. This is not a case of fear; the
child is just contrary. Distract him and pop him in. If he
refuses to come out, pull out the plug, gather up the toys
and make as if to leave the bathroom. Make quite sure the
taps are turned off really tightly. Then distract him with,
"Let's go and see the..." as you lift him out.
There is no doubt that some children are naturally more
docile and compliant than others. They display instant
obedience, are often even overanxious to please and never
seem to reach the rebellious age. And just in the same way,
some teenagers do not seem to have the common teenage
problems, which seem to pass them by as they mature sweetly
and gracefully into adults. Indeed, incredible as it may seem
to those families where each child goes through an acute
phase of rebelliousness at some time or other, these angel
children exist, but are not the subject of this article!
By the same token, there are some who are extremely difficult
to deal with. These may be the ones who will eventually be
diagnosed as suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder or
other problems, although it certainly doesn't have to be so.
They may just be particularly lively and active children. If
this independent davkanik child wants to help you in
the house, try your best not to discourage him. He cannot do
the ironing, but he can certainly use the vacuum cleaner,
although this will be hard work for you. You have to pick up
all small parts of toys or stray pieces of jigsaw from the
floor and must make quite sure that large things are not
lying around. Otherwise, your helper might say, "I tried to
feed the vacuum cleaner with a glove, but it choked and now
it isn't working any more."
You might venture to let him mop floors, small areas at a
time. Admittedly you may have to change him from top to toe
if he is eager to do the dishes, and redo the dishes and wash
the floor after him in the bargain. [DON'T do this when he is
around, so as not to insult his efforts.] Lavish the praise
and he will feel happy and not frustrated. He has spent half
an hour or more without fighting the adult world. He has been
a part of it. Some of his rebellious behavior seemingly stems
from frustration, say the experts. There are so many things
he would like to do; they look so easy and interesting. Yet
he is either not allowed to do them or he cannot quite
manage.
As mentioned before, avoid confrontation. If possible, give
the child a choice. Do you want to go in the bath first --
or after Yanky? A child of two or three knows quite well
that he has been given a choice and has decided for himself.
Older siblings will copy you and learn how to get 'round the
child without causing a scene.
One word of comfort to all those mothers who feel they are at
the end of their tether. By the time he is five, the child
will have mastered many social skills. He will have learned
that there are other people in the world besides himself, and
he will have become quite human. But do not rejoice too soon.
Rebelliousness recurs a few years later, when a child becomes
a teenager.
Nevertheless, take heart. These years too, will pass; they
don't last forever. If you have been able to weather the
storms without too much animosity (and argument, and there is
bound to be friction) you will have a well-balanced son or
daughter who will thank you for a pleasant childhood, and who
will begin the whole cycle again with his/her own
children.
