Communication between parents and teachers is essential.
Parents are human beings, as are teachers, and there are no
hard and fast rules about when to communicate. `When' in this
case means on what occasion, and at which moment. Ascertain
the times when it is best to contact each teacher. Some have
a strong objection to being called at home. Mothers who also
go out to teach find that after the hours spent on marking
and preparing lessons, they want to devote the rest of their
time to their own children. Fathers are in the same position,
except that after marking and preparing, instead of spending
all their spare time with the children, they may also want to
improve their own learning for a few hours.
Most teachers do not mind giving up their much needed break
at school to speak to parents. It happens quite frequently
that a parent comes to school during lesson time and expects
the teacher to leave the class in order to talk to him. If
the principal is prepared to stand in for the teacher at that
time, that is acceptable, but not if the class is going to be
left unattended. I once heard a great tamid chochom
claim that a teacher who leaves a class unattended for any
length of time is guilty of theft! Similarly, the parent who
causes the interruption. Teachers are paid to teach the
children and if a parent uses this time to discuss his own
child, he is causing the teacher to steal.
How many of us consider this if our own darling has to be
discussed? Equally, how many teachers realize that they are
stealing if they go out for a cup of tea during lesson time?
If on a very rare occasion a teacher has to leave the room
because for some reason he missed his break time, he has to
make it short. Unless the principal himself is demanding and
exact about this rule, teachers are very likely to be lax,
and I have seen it countless times. Thus, one of the times
when a parent should never phone a teacher is during lesson
time. Schools usually have a secretary and parents should
make an appointment for either before or after school.
Many teachers and principals have an unlisted phone number.
They do not want to be contacted during all hours of the day
by complaining parents. Alternatively, they have caller
identification and do not always pick up the phone. Why
`complaining'? Because it is the rare parent who rings up
just to express satisfaction! Why bother to phone when things
are going smoothly? After all, we don't visit the dentist
when our teeth are not bothering us.
Nonetheless, we should go to the dentist for an annual or
biannual check-up. In the same vein, we should contact
teachers two or three times a year, even when things are
going smoothly. Even if it is only to express a word of
appreciation or approbation for the way the teacher is
handling our little Treasure. Unfortunately, some parents
regard speaking to teachers in almost the same light as a
visit to the dentist. Unfortunately, too, young, diffident or
inexperienced teachers lacking in confidence feel the same
way about speaking to parents.
There are parents who are always too busy to attend parent-
teacher meetings. This is a grave mistake. It might occur
that they are told at the end of the year that the child has
not been doing well and the school has decided to keep him
back for a year. The parents are horrified and ask why they
have never been told about his lack of progress. Why have
they never come to school? Why did they not attend the
biannual meetings? The truth is, there is also some
negligence on the part of the teacher or principal. Why did
they not phone the parents or ask them to come to school, in
spite of the fact that they had not come when they were
supposed to? And some parents will then say belligerently
that they will come to speak to the teacher the next day. But
what if the teacher has a previous engagement for the next
day after school?
Unless a teacher has stated specifically that the best time
to phone him is late at night, it is unfair to call at a time
which is considered late in your community (after 9:30 in
Switzerland, for example). Naturally, you are concerned if
Moishy came home with a bruised face. Or, to take something a
little less extreme, if he complains that the rebbe shouted
at him. Or perhaps he confiscated the very expensive watch
which Moishy's grandfather bought him for Chanuka. Moishy
came home at five or six o'clock. Did you have to wait till
midnight to ring the teacher, after which you rang the
principal as if to gather reinforcements?
Most problems can wait till you make an appointment with the
teacher. If your child forgot his homework, ring up another
parent or classmate. There is really no need to bother the
teacher with this. If, as mentioned, a watch was confiscated,
leave the matter to simmer for a few days. The teacher does
not plan to keep the watch forever, and probably had a good
cause to take it away. A bruised face should be
investigated, but not at midnight. It will only antagonize
the teacher, which in the long run will be bad for the
child.
Confident teachers will be less aggressive and not try to
blame parents for their offspring's shortcomings. Confident
parents will also try not to apportion blame. When parents
know that there is a problem, whether it is social or
academic, they are often hostile and claim that the child is
an angel at home, and does his homework almost unaided almost
every time he is meant to do it. As in all walks of life,
there are `good' parents and others who are less so. There
are insecure parents who do not want to `bother the teacher'
and there are `nudniks' who ring up all the time and for whom
the teachers need their caller ID in self defense.
Children do not usually express their inner feelings to the
teacher. Some teachers feel they know a child after a few
weeks in the classroom. They know how they behave with their
peers, and they know how they perform academically. But they
do not know what goes on in the home. Nor do they know
whether the child feels aggrieved about something or is being
bullied, or any one of the dozens of things which bother
children of all ages. As a parent and teacher, and after
having discussed this subject on numerous occasions with
teachers from all walks of life, I have no doubt whatsoever
that a word of appreciation from a parent endears the child
to the teacher. Furthermore, when teachers feel that parents
trust them and when they see that they show a sensible
interest in the child's progress, they will pay more
attention to that particular child when he encounters some
difficulty.
[Ed. A. Ross has completely overlooked the effectiveness of
written communication. A short note of appreciation can go a
long way. A written request to speak to the teacher, asking
for a phone or person-to- person appointment at the teacher's
convenience can avoid friction and leaves the option to the
teacher. Similarly, any question or comment can be
communicated - - respectfully and in the correct tone of
request, not as a demand or complaint -- in writing, asking
for a written note in return!]
