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29 Adar 5762 - March 13, 2002 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
Failures and Victories

by Menucha Fuchs
Parenting expert, counselor, author of dozens of books for children and adults

Success has many parents, as the saying goes in Hebrew, while failure is always an orphan. Our society loves a winner, while we are much less tolerant of losers. However, if you think about it, you'll realize that the greatest winners built their success out of a heap of failures. This is not something people notice, for the simple reason that no one talks about it. No one likes to tout their failures. They would rather talk about their successes while patting themselves on the back and putting their failures out of sight and out of mind.

It is hard to change the world, and it is impossible to force society to have a different outlook on failure, but as parents, we can make it easier on our children by helping them to understand that failure is neither a disgrace nor a sign of unworthiness. It is only a building block on the road to success. This is how we learn, and through learning and drawing conclusions, we can build a complete structure.

1. The first thing which parents must avoid doing is acting as if we, as parents, never fail. Even if I don't know each and every one of you, dear readers, I can safely assume that you also fail, just as I do, and just as my parents did, and as do all human beings. By legitimizing failure, our children will understand that in order to climb and reach the top of the mountain, sometimes we must take a fall in the process, and this happens to everyone -- big and small, smart and not so clever.

It is difficult for parents to admit that they make mistakes and fail, just as it is difficult in general for people to admit to their own faults. What happens when someone slips and falls on the sidewalk? They hurriedly get up and without even examining themselves to see if they're hurt, they quickly look around -- who saw them fall? What will people think of them now? What will they say etc.?

Unfortunately, we are used to thinking that someone who fails is an automatic failure, or stupid, or hopeless, and we don't want these labels to stick to us as parents. However, it is very important for children to see that we also fail. The child figures, "If my Ima, whom I admire so much, can make mistakes, then obviously, it is impossible never to fail." It is also a sign that it's not so terrible to blunder. This is an important lesson for every child.

2. A child who imbibes the lesson that he is never allowed to err will be a weak child who is scared to try and is afraid to invest any effort. He will feel that it's better not to try rather than to strive and fail. As parents, it's not enough that we fail, it's more important to point this out to a child who is afraid of failing. "I also failed" -- is a key phrase. "Look how hard I tried to make this dinner a success, and I failed!" "I really wanted these shnitzels to come out tasty, and they're burnt to a crisp!" A parent who is not afraid to express himself openly to his children will not be considered less in their eyes, or be loved less, or be considered less intelligent; he will only be teaching them that failure is a part of normal life, and an integral part of succeeding without pressure.

3. In everyday life, consciously or not, we let our children understand that failure is something insupportable. So when our three-year-old takes a box of eggs and hurries over to the refrigerator and in the process, the carton falls and the eggs break, we exclaim, "Oh my goodness, who gave you permission to touch the eggs? Don't ever touch them again!" We don't realize that these spontaneous words blurted out are already forming a negative image of the word `failure' in his mind. When we criticize a child for receiving a low mark on a test he studied well for, we are conveying the message, "You failed. It's the end of the world!"

Instead of reacting so spontaneously, let's think before we speak. The milk has already been spilled. Whatever happened, happened. This is the time to make improvements by reminding our child that everyone fails, that it also happened to us, and not let the issue of failure take over in our house. The faster we get away from the topic to other matters, the better for everyone in the family.

4. Failure can be a stepping stone, but only on condition that we learn from each failure. This doesn't mean we have to spell the lesson out each time aloud. A child who fails on a test because he didn't study knows very well what the reason is and what his obligations are. He doesn't need our reminder. "You see? I knew you wouldn't pass. Why didn't you study more?" A child who drops a glass because he was careless, knows exactly what happened. So instead of `telling' on him of something obvious, let us accept his failure as a fact. On the other hand, we can discuss the conclusions with him, so long as we're not doing it out of anger. "Let's think about what you can do next time so that it doesn't happen again." Or, "Let's talk about it; perhaps together we'll be able to find a solution to this problem." When we approach the issue this way, our child won't be afraid to try out new things and he'll know that if he does not succeed, nothing will happen.

5. The road to success is paved with failures, and only those who encountered failures and faced difficulties were able to deal with them without worrying about them too much. Why pretend that they don't exist? Remember: it's easier to guard against the expected than the unexpected, and besides, it's impossible to deny reality: life is full of obstacles. After one fails, he should try to see what caused it and learn for the next time. If we always clear the path of rocks for our children, they will never know that if they trip over a stone, they will fall. In order to grow and develop, it is also necessary to fail. Let's not clear the path of obstacles each and every time for our children; they are his milestones for the future.

 

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