Parenting counselor and workshop coordinator, author of
dozens of books for children of all ages and adults
Let us imagine for a moment what the world would be like
without rules and without order. The sun rises and sets
without warning. It gets dark and light alternately without
order. Sun, wind, rain, snow and heat all mixed together
wreak havoc, while the sea rises and floods the land. We
couldn't possibly put up with such a disorderly world.
Let us imagine roads and highways without traffic
regulations. Everyone travels in whatever direction they
please, whenever they want, no matter who is crossing. No
traffic lights, no zebra crossings, just a big traffic
tangle. Instead of moving ahead, everything would come to a
stop. Without proper traffic regulations, there can be no
order. If this is so, then obviously, the rules of the road
are important. Despite this, people break these rules
regularly. They go through red lights, pass when it is
dangerous or travel at breakneck speed. Why? Because even
though the laws are helpful, they are also annoying and
limiting. At home, too, kids break the open or implied rules
and regulations which help run the house. Since the rules
help keep the house in order, they are generally respected,
but they are also considered a nuisance. For instance, when
bedtime is at 8 p.m. and your child is still wide awake. Or
when the accepted rule is that eating is done only in the
kitchen, and your little girl insists on eating her drippy
ice cream in your computer room.
Rules mean order
Parents must implement rules at home. Without rules, there
will be total disarray and chaos. It will be hard to decide
what has to be done now and what will have to be done in ten
minutes. When parents decide on a schedule including proper
mealtimes, bedtime, and all the other rules, they are
organizing their children's small world and helping them to
become more organized, more stable, more secure, healthier
and more aware.
Children must respect the rules of the house, otherwise they
won't be able to get along together. At times, children will
be upset by the limits put on them but in the end, they will
have to give in and eventually, they will even appreciate the
rules because deep inside, children crave a good, strong,
reliable base.
Making up rules together
When a new rule is made up at home, it is better to do it
together with the children, since they have to know that the
rule exists. A child also has to be taught the meaning and
the content of the rule, and how to apply it. When a child
rebels against a rule, we have to remember that it is there
for his own good, and that it helps him live in comfort and
security. Only when we realize that the rules are for the
benefit of ourselves and our children can we implement them.
A child may act angry and rebellious, but in the end, he will
have to give in, and the more we are sure of our rules, the
more we'll have the courage to implement them.
Are the rules suitable?
Before making up rules, let's check to see if they suit our
children and our particular home. Sometimes, a mother will
hear from her friends, "What? They're still up by you? By me
they're all asleep by 6 o'clock!" So the next night, she
tells her children, "O.K. It's six o'clock. Everyone into
bed!" But for various valid reasons, this may not work, as
many households will prove.
A rule has to come as a result of an inner perception of its
necessity. We should check to see if rules really suit us or
if we're copying them from someone else. Each family must
make up its own special rules.
Changing rules according to need
Rules are truly important for the smooth running of the
house, and although they should be accepted as they are,
there are two things to watch out for:
1) A rule made up at home must be flexible. Just as life is
changeable, the rules too, must be changed and adapted
accordingly. As a child gets older, we can't expect him to
stick to the same bedtime schedule.
2) As children get older, they'll have more to say about the
way the house is run. They won't accept things
unquestioningly any more. It is therefore important to check
which rules still apply (such as what time they have to get
back home at night) and not make up rules which are
obligatory and might cause an upheaval. It is better to
cancel several unimportant rules in favor of the really
important ones, which everyone will then want to keep. In
this way, protective fences will surround our home, and
peace, quiet and order will reign.
TIPS
* Remember: rules are meant to educate and not to
suffocate.
* Try playing the `hold-it' game with your small children.
When a child breaks the rules, let's remind him with a
friendly `hold-it' and perhaps an uplifted finger [with a
smile], and he'll understand right away.
* Parents who make up rules are not mean, they are dedicated
and concerned, and want to protect their children from the
danger of bad habits. A child must know that at home, there
are `no's and `that's not allowed.'
* Rules uproot bad habits and implant good ones -- the
earlier, the better.
* Rules can't be made up on the spur of the moment, as the
occasion arises. This is not fair. They must be thought out
and established at neutral time.
* Parents who are consistent in their opinion and their
speech will find it easier to make up rules and to implement
them. A strong `no' from a firm parent is worth more than a
thousand `no's from a wishy-washy parent.
*
[The family may wish to formulate its rules in catchy,
concise phrases which the children can help coin. Then, all
the mother need say is the first two words for the child to
get the message. We have: "Sof hishtolelut - -
bechiya" -- Wildness ends in tears.
You may wish to write down your rules somewhere for general
reference and then remind an errant child -- Rule No. 2...
We have our rules for Pesach, for example, arranged according
to the Alef-Beis, like rules about food that falls, eating by
others etc.]
