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Home and Family
The Moody Child
by Masha Wolf, M.A.

HOW TO TEACH POSITIVE EXPRESSION

Research shows that children who express themselves positively are better liked by peers and adults. People gravitate towards positive people and shy away from those who express negativity, either verbally or nonverbally.

A child's outlook is partially learned in the home and partially a result of temperament. Even the most negative person can be trained to think positively, with hard work. Parents who teach their children to think positively from a young age will save them the hard work of overcoming a negative outlook in the future.

FINDING THE POSITIVE

Happiness is not a function of a person's future in life, but how he views it. Children who are taught to see and focus on the positive are happier adults.

Opportunities to teach positive thinking are many and varied.

Conduct a simcha search from time to time with your whole family. This is similar to a scavenger hunt except that participants search the house and their hearts for as many things as they can that make them happy. Each family member tries to generate as many things as they can find that bring them joy. These can be physical possessions, people, character traits in themselves and others or anything they can think of. Culminate the simcha search with a simcha party in which everyone shares their joy and enjoys special treats with total amount of simcha to encourage more thought. Ideas can be written down in a simcha journal by the child or by a parent (if the child is too young) or recorded on a tape recorder. Shabbos is a nice time for each family member to discuss his sense of gratitude to Hashem for different things in his life that make him happy or to discuss examples of hashgocha protis in his life.

A simcha box can be placed somewhere in the house for family members to write out things that give them joy. It can be opened at set times or whenever someone is feeling low. Have each family member make a list of pick-me-ups (things that help him dispel a negative mood) to use whenever necessary. This can include happy music, a special dance, a walk, or a hug from a parent. Encourage children to lift themselves out of the doldrums with the pick-me-ups.

CHANGING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Draw two thought bubbles (as used in cartoons). Fill one in with a happy smiling face and the other with a sad frowning face. Write down a list of negative thoughts from your own life and your child's life. For example: FOR YOURSELF: I'll never have a clean house; nothing I make comes out right; I look so fat. FOR YOUR CHILD: No one likes me; I'm so stupid; I'm ugly. The above examples could be made more positive in the following ways: for example, choose one of your child's favorite board games or create one that has a start and finish with spaces in between. Create two categories: 1) a set of spaces or cards that require your child to recall something positive in his life, or 2) a set of cards containing negative thoughts that you create with him. When a player chooses a negative thought card, he will need to change it to a positive thought. Taking the above examples, they may be changed to read: I can work on being cleaner. I bake good cakes; I'll lose weight; I have some friends; I'm good in limudei kodesh -- or -- I have nice hair.

Negative thoughts can be changed with a focus on partial success, constructive solutions and realistic evaluation of facts. Negative thoughts usually contain an element of all-or- nothing assessment of fact. A child may feel he is completely stupid or has no friends. Help him see that he has some friends and that he has strong intellectual capabilities in certain areas. Help him to find solutions to problems instead of doom-saying or dwelling on the problem.

A pair of `rose-colored glasses' can be kept handy to change gloomy thoughts to more positive ones. Ask a family member who is feeling blue to put on the specially designed rose- colored glasses. Then ask him how he can look at things differently. The glasses can be ordinary or any silly variety including giant-sized Purim sunglasses. [Or the child can make them himself from cardboard and cellophane.]

USING IMAGINATION TO TEACH POSITIVE THINKING

Children often have rich imaginations. Unfortunately, they sometimes use their imaginations to `awfulize' difficult situations, imagining and expecting the worst possible outcome. The imagination is a powerful tool that can be used to access and develop positive memories and expectations.

Relaxation and Imagination

A relaxed person is more receptive to positive messages. Relaxation techniques are widely used together with imagery for this reason. Exercises that utilize relaxation and imagery are usually very enjoyable to children. Imagery can be used to help children improve self esteem, reduce tension and reach chosen goals. Through imagination, children are taught to focus on positive statements and memories, and see themselves succeeding at a chosen goal.

Basic Relaxation and Imagery

Have your child get comfortable and practice deep breathing. Next, have him relax all the muscles in his body as he continues to breathe deeply. Take him step by step on a relaxing trip to a place of his choosing (to be decided before you begin) such as a beach, pool or a beautiful mountainside. Narrate the trip in every detail. Describe what he might see, smell and hear, and each scene he passes. Have him get comfortable next to the pool, ocean, or wherever he chooses to be. At this point, you can suggest positive messages. If he is low in self esteem, discuss his positive character traits and his successes. Describe the good feeling he has from realizing his successes. You may tell him how proud you are of him or have him imagine that his father or teacher express pride in him. If he is having school difficulties, have him recall a time when he felt successful in school and help him to remember how good he felt. Remind him of other positive qualities and skills he can draw from to imagine himself doing better in school.

These exercises should not be used unless your child is enthusiastic and a full participant. The desire to succeed in a given area should come from the child. Thought and imagination are very personal and should not be invaded upon without willful consent.

A shy child can be reminded of times when he felt strong and accepted by friends, and reminded of his strong points.

Model of Positive Expression

Practice the exercises in this article yourself! If you find yourself thinking negatively, show your child how to transform negative thoughts by verbalizing your own (find examples that you don't mind sharing with your child). A burnt cake is a perfect opportunity to model positive coping. Self-statements such as "I'm so frustrated but at least only the top is burnt," or "That's upsetting, but I can always make another cake."

The goal is not to model perfection, but to model positive expression and the ability to cope effectively with challenges. Use of imagery, positive self-talk and parents who focus on the positive and model coping statements will help a child become a happy positive child.

[Masha Wolf M.A. is available for consultation with parents and for play therapy. 02-656-2172]

 

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