Penina stood there, appalled and completely at a loss. The
dress she had borrowed from Tova, her sister-in-law, had a
bleach stain on it. She would have to confess, and to find
out whether it could be repaired or offer to reimburse her.
But Penina felt she just couldn't tell her. Tova had really
not wanted to lend her the dress, and Penina had promised to
return it in perfect condition. What would her sister-in-law
think of her? What could she do?
Shoshana was disappointed in the interview she had with the
manageress of the place advertising a job. She had no reply
yet, but had the feeling that she wouldn't get the position
although she was well qualified and had excellent references.
She had been so nervous at the interview that she had had
difficulty in finding the right words in answer to
questions.
The baby was gasping for breath, and Tzipora called an
ambulance. Her oldest child, ten-year-old Leah, was terrified
but Tzipora, not wanting to alarm her still further, told her
matter-of-factly that everything was fine. Although outwardly
she appeared calm, she felt she had not succeeded in hiding
her panic, because Leah was still petrified.
Family Levy came back from vacation to find that they had
been burgled. None of the neighbors knew they had been away
because for some reason, the Levys had not wanted to tell
them. So, although they had heard strange noises in the
night, they had not thought to be suspicious.
*
Why are some people so open and candid about their affairs,
and others so reserved? There are many reasons, including a
person's nature, but it seems that one of the main causes is
the family background, i.e. training. Some families discuss
everything openly, others keep their mouths sealed.
A child knows very early on what he may ask and which subject
is taboo. We are not discussing any halachic prohibition,
just simple subjects which are discussed in some families,
and a closed book in others. For example, two families
sustained the loss of a loved one. In one family, they don't
discuss it because the subject brings on a flood of
uncontrollable tears, whereas in the other family, they speak
about the departed naturally, as if he were still around.
They see no reason to ignore him just because he has left for
a better world. He is still considered part of the
family...
Some families only speak about their accomplishments and
successes, and ignore failures and disappointments. Others
feel that talking about achievements is boasting, and prefer
to talk about their failures, maybe because they are
pessimists, or perhaps as a kind of safeguard against
jealousy. [One woman I know, when asked how she feels, always
finds something to complain about -- as a policy against an
ayin hora.] On the other hand, there are those who
discuss neither their failures as they don't want a poor self-
image, nor their achievements, as they don't want to brag.
Then, lastly, some families talk about everything.
Achievments? Why ever not? And disappointments or failures?
It eases the feelings of failure to discuss it.
*
Different mentaliities also play a part in open speaking or
reserve. Americans seem much less reserved than Israelis and
visitors are often surprised at the reticence of Israelis in
discussing their problems. [One sometimes gets the feeling
that anything negative said will harm some future
shidduch.] On the whole, though, far more people are
nowadays prepared to air their troubles and problems in
interviews with reporters. In the past, people would go to
great lengths to conceal the fact that they had a child with
special needs. Nowadays, with so much more knowledge of
causes and treatments, parents discuss their children openly.
In this way, they have support groups and learn from each
others' experiences which often saves parents, who want the
best for their child, from being preyed upon by charlatans.
The very fact that they know they are not the only ones with
the problem already eases the burden.
There are some people who are not reserved by nature, but
find it hard to express themselves verbally. They have the
feelings inside them, only not the ability to translate them
into words. More or less like a small child with limited
vocabulary, who tries to express himself and no one
understands him.
Sometimes, people refrain from baring their thoughts because
they don't quite trust the listener, or because they think he
won't understand them. For instance, someone is thinking of
taking a particular job, but she is not sure about telling
her friend about it because this friend has a sister who is
also looking for a job. Thus her advice may be biased. Or a
girl is afraid of telling her parents why she won't wear her
new outfit. Not because she doubts their good intentions, but
because she thinks they might not understand her feelings.
*
We might mention that people often complain about their
children who have become reserved and introverted. They used
to be different but for some reason, they have decided to be
this way. A mashgiach in yeshiva once told a father
who was complaining about his uncommunicative son, that when
a father didn't listen to the seemingly senseless prattle of
his four-year-old son, this son at fourteen decided that
talking to his father was definitely pointless. Children
whose parents don't listen to their chatter, or constantly
criticize what they say, soon decide that silence suits them
better. Or at least, silence at home. Sometimes a child, or
even an adult, can be the "life and soul of the party"
amongst their friends, and completely different at home.
There are those who find it very difficult to talk about an
unhappy past. Holocaust survivors did not like to talk about
their history for fear of opening old wounds. The same
applies to widows or orphans or anyone who had some traumatic
experience. Or those who can't discuss their immediate
problems or troubles. However, after a cooling-off period,
they are often prepared to discuss the event.
The saying goes, "a trouble shared is a trouble halved."
Instead of bottling everything up inside, if one discusses
the problem with a friend, one may get quite a different
slant on things, and find the worry was unnecessary.
Discussing things brings you closer to friends or members of
the family. It is a strange phenomenon that often just
between parents and children there are few shared
confidences.
*
A woman who ran a kindergarten woke up with a terrible
toothache after having dental treatment the day before.
Instead of wondering how she would get through the day, she
explained to the two- and three-year-old charges, while
pointing to her swollen cheek, "I can't talk very well today.
It hurts me to speak." The children accepted the fact and
behaved like angels all day. They picked up toys without
being told and avoided the usual squabbles. If she had not
shared her pain with them, they would just have wondered why
she was in a bad mood or didn't talk much, but would not have
eased the situation by being on their best behavior.
If the applicant for the job had just explained to the
manageress how nervous she was, it might have eased the
tension and her candor might even have warmed the
interviewer's heart. If the worried mother had explained to
her daughter why she was in such a hurry to get to the
hospital, the child would have been much calmer.
Children have vivid imaginations which run riot if things are
not explained to them. Parents should involve children in
their problems, according to the child's understanding, but
not just brush their questions aside. If Penina had plucked
up courage and told Tova exactly what had happened and
offered to pay for the dress, Tova might have suggested
dyeing it or some compromise to suit both parties. The offer
of pay would have defused the situation. And with a word or
two, the Levy's neighbors would have kept an eye on the
burgled property.
Frankness and openness have their limitations, of course.
Some subjects should not be discussed. Others have to be
curtailed because of shmiras haloshon, but on the
whole, candor has much to be said for it. For instance, a
mother whose child is a persistent late comer to school and
who regularly protects the child with notes to the teacher
containing lame excuses, is teaching the child to lie and not
to face up to a situation. Instead of trying to protect him,
she should involve the teacher and explain that the child
won't go to bed on time and can't get up in the mornings.
Each family has to decide what they are prepared to discuss
openly, but on the whole, secrecy is not nearly as helpful to
growing children and their relationships with peers and
workmates as openness and candor.
