This article follows a previous one which explains and
delineates this particular behavioral syndrome in
children.
Parents say that their child is not a normal child; he does
not play like other children nor react like them. They say
that he seems to be a miniature adult. Eventually, when he
is finally an adult, they come to terms with his personality
as it is. They provide support and affection, compensate for
his difficulties and camouflage his pecularities.
What are the main difficulties a child with Asperger's
experiences, and how can we best teach him to overcome them?
Social unawareness is the cause of most of his problems.
What to say and when to say it. Why one has to queue up or
put up one's hand for a turn to speak to the teacher. How to
behave while waiting. Why you cannot just accost a stranger
in the street. There are countless examples which are taken
for granted with other children, but need to be taught to a
child with Asperger's.
When the child is very young, the teacher or parent could
make up a short story. Carol Gray has published a book of
these short stories, also for older children, but, of
course, they are not all suitable for Jewish childen. The
stories have to explain firstly, where things happen, who is
involved, what the "characters" are doing and why. This is
called the descriptive part of the story. Then there
is perspective. This explains the reactions and
feelings of others. A third part of the story must be
directive. It must explain clearly what the child is
expected to do or say. And lastly, one must put in
strategies which will help the child understand the
situation and remember what to say. Older children can often
help with this part of the story.
Here is an example of a story which a mother might tell her
child before a visit to the doctor. He behaved very badly on
a previous visit, but if this story is rehearsed, he will do
things quite differently. Parents can make up their own play-
by- play stories to suit the situation:
Dr. Shell has a waiting room with many chairs. People
wanting to see Dr. Shell go into this room and give their
name to the lady who is sitting behind a desk. She is the
receptionist, and tells the doctor who is sitting in the
waiting room. We have to sit on one of the chairs and wait
for our turn to go in to the doctor's room, which is called
the surgery/clinic. It is not fair to jump up and go into
the surgery when other people have been waiting longer than
we have. We will take a book to read and wait for the
receptionist to tell us when it is our turn. We will usually
not talk to any of the people waiting there. Sometimes, we
have to wait a long time. I will be very pleased with you if
you manage to sit still and read your book till it is your
turn. You can say `hello' to Dr. Shell when you see him, but
you must not touch things in his room. ETC.
The story should not be too long or too detailed. [In
repetition, the child can fill in the rules.]
How else can parents help their child who does not seem to
grasp appropriate social behaviors instinctively, as most
children do? Sometimes you have to explain the most basic
rules. As most children will shy away from a child who wants
to take total control of an activity, you may have to play
with the child yourself. It is a good idea to invite one
child over to play, but make sure YOU join in the activity,
so that the visit is a success. You have to explain to your
child that he should watch other children to see what they
are doing and how they do it, and that it is usually right!
Children with Asperger's are not malicious or spiteful; they
just do not know the correct thing to do without being
taught.
When things go wrong, explain to the child what he should
have done or what he should have said. Ask him to think of
how the other person might feel as a result of his comments
or his behavior.
Children with Asperger's need to be alone some of the time.
A parent may have to teach a child comments and actions
which are socially acceptable, and which will ensure
solitude without the child having to resort to aggressive
behavior (which he has found to be a sure way to obtain
solitude!).
Very young children play alongside each other, but not
together. Gradually, they learn about sharing and turn
taking, and become less egocentric and possessive. After
that, between the ages of about six and eight, children
begin to understand that they need an element of reciprocity
to maintain a friendship; someone you can rely on for help,
or who lends you things. From about nine, friendship is
usually based on shared interests and shared "secrets."
A child with Asperger's has to learn, usually at a later
stage than an average child, about sharing and lending
things. He has to learn how to listen to others and how to
recognize the thoughts and feelings of others; how to
recognize body language.
Eye contact is one of the most difficult things for people
with Asperger's to master, and most do not learn it at all.
So a parent would be wise to tell the child or teenager that
they should at least face the person when speaking to him
and if possible "look without seeing."
There are, and have been in the past, scientists and artists
(and dare I say it, iluyim) who have Asperger's
Syndrome and who have used those qualities for great
achievement. In fact, many of the advances in science and
art have been made by people with Asperger's, only at the
time, the syndrome was not recognized. They were just
eccentrics! As they mature, these people improve their
social abilities and obtain the confidence to explain away
their idiosyncrasies. E.g. "The reason why I have this all-
absorbing interest... or do thirty push-ups every morning
before davening... is because I have Asperger's. And
that is also why I like to be alone much of the day."
Finally, although well suited for many occupations and jobs,
a person with Asperger's does not do well in an interview.
If the employer is willing to overlook the lack of social
know-how, he will find that the applicant might make a very
reliable nurse, teacher or will work excellently with
elderly people. People with Asperger's are not likely to do
well working in a team or where there is a large workforce
or staff because they are naive and therefore vulnerable,
and very often, too conscientious!
Many people with Asperger's have positive qualities in their
personality and abilities. They are honest, reliable and
have a strong sense of justice. People with Asperger's do
not know how to tell a lie. They are forthright and
straightforward. They often have an exceptional long term
memory, and of course, enthusiasm and a vast knowledge about
their special interest. They have an excellent imagination
and an original way of thinking.
They can be very exceptional people.
