To the Editor:
Since your column has recently brought up the issue of
shidduchim, I have decided to write you about my
experience in that realm.
I belong to a Chassidic group and boruch Hashem have
eight married children; this itself gave me a lot of
This is what I do. Whenever one of my children reaches
shidduch age, I look for a reputable shadchan,
call him and ask to meet him. Usually the meeting takes
place in the shadchan's home.
I come to the meeting with the candidate for
shidduchim so that the shadchan will see about
whom we are speaking, for "hearing is not like seeing."
After ten minutes of conversation, I send my son or daughter
home and remain with the shadchan.
I describe, as best as I can, the virtues and flaws of the
candidate, trying to be realistic. If my son doesn't like to
learn or isn't particularly talented, I tell that to the
shadchan openly. In addition, I don't hide or try to
obscure my financial abilities.
Of course, I add a bit of background about my family, and
ask the shadchan how much I will have to pay for his
services in finding a suitable match for my child. In the
event that the price is the standard one among
shadchonim and all those involved in these sacred
work, I promise him even a bit more. I give him a $100
advance so that he will get to work.
In general, the shadchan doesn't disappoint me, and
even if the first few offers are not successful, I continue
to treat him with the respect he deserves for his efforts.
This of itself gives the shadchan the strength and
the incentive to continue to offer me decent matches.
Furthermore, when another shadchan offers me a
shidduch, I go to "my" shadchan and ask him to
check out the information. As we all know, the most accurate
information of all regarding the shidduch itself, as
well as the financial issue, is provided by
shadchonim. Out of eight children that I have married
off, six were married this way, and the other two found
their marriage partners by means of the rabbonim in their
yeshivos in which they studied.
The main thing is to treat the shadchan with respect,
because a bad attitude towards him will boomerang.
Shadchonim exchange bits of information, and one
never knows why certain shidduchim that seemed
suitable never got off the ground. It could be that the
other side consults the very same shadchan you
disparaged, and then he discourages the shidduch.
Even if the shidduch offered by a particular
shadchan doesn't materialize, he deserves payment for
his work and for the telephone calls he made.
I have written all this for the benefit of many parents who
are involved in looking for suitable shidduchim for
their children, and thought my experiences might benefit
Editor's Note: The above letter appeared in the Hebrew
edition of Yated Ne'eman.
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