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Home
and Family
Full Circle
by Chaim Walder
In the same way as you cannot watch hair growing, and only
notice after a while that it has, in fact, grown, so do
social and educational processes fluctuate and change
imperceptibly. In recent years, there has been a definite
change in the relationship between children and their
parents.
The change began, as changes do, with good intentions. The
former generation noted that the plentiful supply of smacks
and verbal abuse which parents meted out to children at the
time did not seem to improve the recipients. On the contrary,
the children became more unmanageable and were often
irreparably damaged.
Thus, that generation began to adopt the `new' ideas in the
handling of their children. Never resort to physical
punishment; do not raise your voice to the child or insult
him and offend his dignity. Be a friend, listen to him and
shower him with love. Above all, do not put pressure on the
child or expect too much of him. See to it that his life be
smooth and pleasant at all times lest his delicate soul be
irreversibly scarred with any trauma.
These good ideas are well accepted now, but we forget to keep
a sense of balance. In the effort to rid ourselves of the
unwanted harmful effects in education, we threw out the baby
with the bath water. It was not that the former ways of
raising children were all completely wrong. It was the fact
that the prevalent thoughts were misused. For instance, some
parents adopted `spare the rod and spoil the child' as their
personal motto, to be used daily. There is no doubt that much
needed to be improved. However, the dismal picture of
thoughtless parents and teachers who beat their poor little
charges mercilessly and had no idea of how to handle them, is
completely false.
Many parents adopted the new doctrines and beliefs, but some
began to feel guilty, since they did slap their child
occasionally, and they sometimes shouted at him, too. This
feeling of guilt weakened the parent in the eyes of a child.
Children know when parents aren't too sure of themselves. So
in trying to be model parents, they sometimes wondered why
their child was becoming so insolent. Furthermore, against
their better judgment, they bought the child the cheap toy he
had been screaming for... after all, it had not cost much.
And when they had said a definite `no' to the child, they
began to have second thoughts that maybe it wasn't right to
be so firm, so strict. Perhaps... maybe... why not let him
have his way?
For some reason, a generation of impertinent, impudent
children began to emerge. Parents who had showered their
offspring with love and understanding and sympathy began to
suffer, and are still suffering, from the distress. They
consult a psychiatrist who states that they are to blame for
the child's difficulties, because two years ago, when he was
expelled from school, they added insult to injury by shouting
at him. And the parents sit with bowed heads, secretly
relieved that the psychiatrist is not aware of the fact that
they once lost their temper with the child and even hit him
when he threw a brick down from the third floor because he
was under such strain.
With hindsight, some things have become abundantly clear,
through the reverse side of the coin. There remained some
diehard parents who were not impressed by all the new ways.
They spent time with their children and loved them but
demanded things in return. Such old-fashioned parents meant
`no' when they said so and were not intimidated by the
child's tantrums. These were parents who supported the
teacher, whether they agreed with him or not. Parents who
rewarded the child when he deserved it, but who also made the
child understand when they were disappointed in him, and made
them pay the consequences of their misdeeds. They have been
blessed with children who have matured as well balanced,
caring people with high aspirations and good character
traits, who honor and love their parents. And do them
credit.
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