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17 Adar I 5760 - February 23, 2000 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
Helping Your Child With Anger Control
by Masha Wolf, M.A., Child Therapist

Part II

In our first part, we gave a real-life situation where a mother helped her child overcome his anger and taught him to recognize the danger signals in his body. [Note: brackets are the comments of your editor, not the writer.]

The three basic skills to acquire are: Relaxation, Reflection and Response.

RELAXATION

A child can practice relaxation in several ways. It is a good idea for the child to find a quiet place when he is angry. He may need to count to 10 before he takes any action. He can practice deep breathing, listen to relaxing music, [look at a photo album or out the window, do a simple puzzle] or read a book until he feels more relaxed. If he closes his eyes, he can pretend he is in a special place where he feels happy and relaxed.

If the child's anger is very intense, he may need more physical means to reduce his anger. One physical outlet is vigorous exercise [perhaps a wooden board into which he can bang some nails or a corner where he can throw pillows around without doing damage]. Another idea is to release the muscle tension by tensing up ALL the muscles and then letting them go limp. Sometimes a child is so wound up that he needs to get his body to stop moving. One way of doing this is by getting him to practice turning off his arms and legs, one by one, pretending he is a robot, and then relaxing like a ragdoll. [Perhaps with the mother watching on the sidelines and encouraging, he will get the extra attention he needs at that difficult moment.]

Another technique to help a child control his impulsivity is called the TURTLE TECHNIQUE. When a child feels that he is very angry and wants to strike out physically, remind him about the turtle. Teach him to curl up in a ball and pull in his arms and legs like a turtle. Just as a turtle recedes into his shell when he is threatened instead of striking out, so should you teach him to pull in his arms and legs and breathe deeply until he is calm and can decide what to do.

Another way to help your child control his initial response is by teaching him safe and appropriate ways to communicate his anger. He can draw an angry picture or write out his feelings in a letter, or play an angry song if he has some sort of instrument. He can even do an angry dance [perhaps to lively music he chooses]. When he is calm, he can express his anger verbally.

The options you have discussed with your child can be drawn or written and put on a wall where they can be seen and remembered. Practice using the options when he is calm by saying, "Let's pretend that someone ripped up your homework. What will you do?" It is very important to give a lot of encouragement and make practice fun.

REFLECTION

After a child has calmed down, he can progress to the reflection stage and think about what has happened. Part of reflection is the understanding of one's own and others' feelings. This skill is a prerequisite to anger control and a precursor to peaceful problem resolution. Parents can provide children with a list of feelings and a journal. The child draws a picture expressing each feeling or can be photographed demonstrating each feeling. He can then be asked to identify his mood by pointing to the word or picture which describes it.

Some important core emotions are: sad, worried, frustrated, disappointed, lonely, shy, ashamed, hurt, impatient, jealous, angry, happy, proud, excited and relieved. It is especially important to learn what angers a child in order to help him learn to prevent his anger from escalating and to deal with the root of the problem. After the child identifies his emotion, a ruler can be used to gauge how strong the feeling is on a scale from one to ten [you can compare it to the Richter earthquake scale], with ten being the most intense.

This helps you and your child to know what upsets him most. It is also a good way to put feelings in proportion. You can ask your child what would rate a ten for feeling sad. You might decide together that the death of a loved one (chas vesholom) would be a ten, whereas other things are less. It is important to accept your child's response even if it is out of proportion, so that he will feel that his feelings are legitimate. In time, he may come to realize that sometimes things are less upsetting than they feel at first. The ruler can also help you to help your child determine whether something has been done to improve a distressing situation or what can be done. For instance, you might say, "I see you are very angry. What could we do to help you get to a 3?" Or "I see you are much more relaxed now. What number do you feel now? How did you do that? I'm proud of you." Your awareness of and sympathy towards his feelings will certainly help him get them under control.

An important factor in determining emotions is thought. Research shows that thought affects feelings and actions and it is therefore important to be aware of one's thoughts. If angry thoughts are perpetuated, a person can become more angry. Conversely, positive thoughts can bring a person to feel positive and calm.

When your child is calm, have him draw a picture of himself in a situation that angered him. On the left side, have him draw a thought bubble (like in a cartoon) and fill in what he was thinking.

Final installment next week. Masha Wolf invites comments and questions and is available for consultation, evenings, at 02-656-2172.

 

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