Dear Editor,
As a long-time fan of your Home and Family Section, I usually
turn to it first. I find it a source of pleasurable reading,
information and helpful advice. The changing variety each
week is refreshing. Ah, but this week... [Ed. Parshas
Shlach]. I was very glad that you printed the article on the
"waiting game," sensitizing some, comforting others. In fact,
in some ways it tied in with the "Casual Comment" article,
encouraging people to be more aware of the potential impact
of their remarks. [Intended!] Hopefully, they will be helped
to avoid the pitfall of shrugging it off with the excuse that
"supersensitivity is the other fellow's problem, not mine."
As Jews, we should accept full responsibility for our actions
(including speech) and realize that the responsibility
extends to potential repercussions. Given that sense of
responsibility, I found it very strange that you printed the
piece "Harbei Nachas." What a pity if a mother felt
that she had not yet been able to derive joy from motherhood
or reap the blessing of nachas until finally meriting
to attend her five-year-old grandson's Chumash
party.
That computes to about 25 years of motherhood within which
she could not yet find this elusive nachas she had
been promised! How very many opportunities has she lost along
the way! Is it only at graduation parties or other formal
occasions that one can "shep nachas"? Or is she
perhaps the mother of Chani (in the "Mazel Tov" article) who
conveys the message that she wouldn't enjoy seeing her
daughter come home from abroad unless the daughter has
"successfully" produced an heir to the throne?!
There are levels and levels of nachas, many of them on
the day-in-day- out strata, even in the midst of the diapers
and dishes. Sometimes you can't see the "trees" amidst the
forest of drudgery and baalagan. But stop a moment, take a
deep breath -- and you'll see so much beauty right under your
nose! Even if your Shabbos table is a circus, with kids
running around etc., can't you shep nachas from being
blessed with all these precious neshamos? "Shelo ohsani
goy": what solace can a goy take from "overabundance" of
children?? But we, lehavdil, can thrill at the
blessing of being selected by the A-mighty to bring these
holy souls into the world. Even if the baby is born with
problems [Ed. `challenges'], we gave him the gift of life so
that his neshoma can achieve its tikkun. How
much more nachas can we derive if the baby progresses
and flashes us one little smile? This baby is already showing
gratitude for the attention we're giving him!
Each tiny little milestone can be a source of nachas.
Even a rare moment of quiet when the rambunctious bunch
actually settles down. How much more so each chochmoh
or good deed! And as the achievements grow bigger and more
substantial, so does the nachas. Does one really need
a big party in order to treasure the nachas of a child
embarking on the seas of Torah learning?
On a hot summer day when your little girl prances off happily
to gan dressed like a bas Yisroel, you could
expand with enough nachas to float you away like a
helium balloon! When people make jokes and talk about
"shLepping nachas, maybe there is some folk wisdom
there: that even with nachas so abundant, it waits for
some people to come "shlep" and pull it out - without such a
conscious effort, they might not notice the myriad blessings
Hashem has bestowed on them!
Children have excellent radar for detecting their parents'
attitudes. And children are always tuned in, trying to learn
how to proceed in life. They readily detect when the parents
are so preoccupied, as was M.S., with "overwhelming
responsibilities" that they can't derive joy from their
children. Some children react by being pressured into
producing accomplishments glittery enough to attract
attention. Even should they succeed, they feel that in
between these moments in the spotlight, they are burdensome
and unworthy of their parents' love. Sometimes children even
see negative behavior as a more available option for
attaining parental attention...
A very important key is prayer: even when one may not have
time (or peace of mind) for the formal prayers, a heartfelt
plea can bring much siyata dishmaya to have mental,
emotional and physical strength to cope with whatever
task/test may come our way - and to see Hashem's goodness in
all of it.
With regard to the couple still waiting, who may not want
their parents to "interfere," these parents can certainly
intercede for them through prayer, and surely do, rather than
showering the young couple with pity and with "guilt" for
"failing" their parents and causing them anxiety. Prayer
should be the natural outlet for their own tension and pain.
Especially so since the tears a mother sheds in prayer can be
most efffective in storming any barriers in Heaven and
arousing Heavenly mercy. In fact, we are taught that many a
test is designed for the purpose of eliciting our prayers.
May we all merit to share good tidings with one another
always.
TSF, Jerusalem
